This is not about the infamous Alfred Hitchcock black and white, although some have equated this topic to murder or a death sentence. I want to talk about the M word….Marriage. I going to try and lightly touch this topic because at some point I will pursue this type of relationship. This is for the individuals who think marriage is a wasted effort. It’s a step to no where, a hassle, or an inconvenience. Or who question why people still get married, I mean what’s the point.
I had a conversation with a male friend about a month ago. He argued that 1) he didn’t see the purpose in marriage in today’s society because the divorce rates prove that marriages do not work. He said 2) it is best to stay in a “committed” relationship with someone without the “marriage” label. He said as long as you love that person, it should not matter. As you can tell, this was a good conversation, depending on your position. Let’s dig in.
Where do I start with this? Why get married? Besides the tax benefits (just kidding)…getting married is the highest plateau of relationships. It is a blessing. Marriage is a true testament of commitment with someone you love because you are pledging to be with someone for the rest of your life. Love, sacrifice, compromise, commitment, these are a few things that go into this relationship. With just these few pieces of the puzzle, we should agree that marriage takes two to work. What is the purpose of marriage in “today’s society”? The purpose has not changed. It shouldn’t. You are making a life commitment with someone you love. Period. You should not care about how society thinks and how it has portrayed marriages. Society is fickle. Just a thought.
I am first to agree that, at my age, it is rare to see marriages last longer than 5 years compared to our grandparents, who are celebrating 25 – 50+ years together. I think that majority of Generation Y (people born 1980+) have a different view about marriage. To name a few, most are getting married because of an unexpected pregnancy, there are dependency issues or just because “I want the fairy tale wedding/ring.” Marriage is work (from what I hear) but I don’t think you have to be married to know it is hard work. Any relationship worth keeping is hard work, especially if you are talking about for a lifetime. So what happens when you realize that this is not what you wanted? Divorce of course. For most, that’s the easiest move to make. I think EXTREME cases should only warrant this option. So now that this option is as easy to make like paper or plastic, the divorce rate will go up. In the end, you are left with an even more skewed sense of what marriage is about.
“I’ve been committed for 6 years, but I do not want to get married.” What is that about? I think people who choose to be with someone for 5+ years and do not intend on getting married are scared or are just NOT truly ready to commit. This is a life long commitment. These people would rather “play house” but when times hit rock bottom, I believe they will be gone. Isn’t it easier to leave someone without going through all the legal woes that divorce can bring? Isn’t it quicker to pack bags and go stay with your family? If you are quick to make these decisions, then I don’t think you are ready for marriage. When in a marriage, these should not be options. I do think there are situations that are just not meant to be and in those cases, it’s best for the party to split, but I think you should weigh all options before going this route. There are many resources out there that are suppose to help you keep the relationship in tact when you think you’ve run out of options. Talk to your pastor, your parents or perhaps a marriage/relationship counselor can work. Don’t sell the relationship short. You should not give up.
What have we learned? Marriage is the truest testament of commitment with someone you love but it takes some work to maintain. It is not impossible. Once you’ve found a partner that is willing to stick it out and who loves you unconditionally, you will be in the best relationship. If you are not ready, just date..LOL.. The dress, the cake, the “status” will come soon enough. This way you will not be a statistic and you will be learning who you are and what you like, so when the time comes, you WILL be ready.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
"OMG!!!...I luv u!..LOL..ttyl!": Text Messaging and Relationships
Text messaging has become the "call me" in relationships. Where just 3 years ago, you'd say "I'll call you when I get home," now it's, "just text me.” We text for everything. Conversation is a thing of the past. Now that most phones get at least 160 characters per text, once could hold a convo via the iPhone and never break a sweat. I'm here to talk about Texting in Relationships. What is the limit? Does this help or hurt a relationship? Are we that lazy? This blog is for the people that have used Texting as their main way to communicate and develop a relationship. Here is my $0.08.
I’m going to come out of the gate and answer the questions based on myself. There should be a limit to text messaging. It does not hurt the relationship unless that is the only form of communication. I am kind of lazy. Now.. let me say that I didn’t always text people. I was the person who said, “call me.” I loved to talk on the phone and was actually turned off by the “I’m not a phone person” response when I would wonder why I haven’t actually heard from someone. So now 2+ years, 3 phones (including 2 PDA/Smartphones) later, I’ve become the opposite. I must admit, texting has become the quickest and easiest way to get a point across and continue about my day. But today it’s become part of my everyday life, it’s a little bit out of control. I blame my PDA. …OKAY, so back to the main question….
How does this affect relationships!? It can have an indirect affect on your relationship. If you just met someone and you develop a relationship via text, what are you really learning about them? You can’t hear their voice or catch a true reaction to a comment. There is a lack of intimacy. Can you truly get a warm feeling about someone via text? Perhaps, but the text better be creative. What’s interesting is that the people I text the most, when we are in person…we have great conversations. Doesn’t that make up for the texting? Perhaps, but if the conversation is as strong in person, it should be equally as strong on the phone.
I think when people hear about “calling” someone, they might think they will be on the phone for hours. This may not be the case. I don’t think you have to be on the phone with someone for days to show the depth of the relationship or even to get to know someone. In the end, it’s the quality of the conversation over the number of minutes you talk. So as it relates to relationships, when should you just pick up the phone? I say once every 5 – 8 days. If you are a habitual texter (like me)…this works but only if you see this person often enough, 20 min convos will not be hard to do. Days will also vary depending on distance and your interest in the person, but overall you are merely saying, “I thought enough about you to pick up the phone.”
In the end, texting has to be a mutual understanding. I think if two individuals can agree that texting works for them but they will try to see each other more often than none, then it works. Let me say that JUST texting does not work. The relationship will eventually become trivial. You must talk on the phone. You must get that familiarity with your interest. Phone convos allows for more spontaneity and true responses. When you text, you can actually sit and think about what or how you want to respond. That can be fake, embellished, or even ignored. You want to catch and hear those little quirks that add to the uniqueness of your relationship. There are only so many “emoticons” you can add in a text to describe your emotion.
I’m going to come out of the gate and answer the questions based on myself. There should be a limit to text messaging. It does not hurt the relationship unless that is the only form of communication. I am kind of lazy. Now.. let me say that I didn’t always text people. I was the person who said, “call me.” I loved to talk on the phone and was actually turned off by the “I’m not a phone person” response when I would wonder why I haven’t actually heard from someone. So now 2+ years, 3 phones (including 2 PDA/Smartphones) later, I’ve become the opposite. I must admit, texting has become the quickest and easiest way to get a point across and continue about my day. But today it’s become part of my everyday life, it’s a little bit out of control. I blame my PDA. …OKAY, so back to the main question….
How does this affect relationships!? It can have an indirect affect on your relationship. If you just met someone and you develop a relationship via text, what are you really learning about them? You can’t hear their voice or catch a true reaction to a comment. There is a lack of intimacy. Can you truly get a warm feeling about someone via text? Perhaps, but the text better be creative. What’s interesting is that the people I text the most, when we are in person…we have great conversations. Doesn’t that make up for the texting? Perhaps, but if the conversation is as strong in person, it should be equally as strong on the phone.
I think when people hear about “calling” someone, they might think they will be on the phone for hours. This may not be the case. I don’t think you have to be on the phone with someone for days to show the depth of the relationship or even to get to know someone. In the end, it’s the quality of the conversation over the number of minutes you talk. So as it relates to relationships, when should you just pick up the phone? I say once every 5 – 8 days. If you are a habitual texter (like me)…this works but only if you see this person often enough, 20 min convos will not be hard to do. Days will also vary depending on distance and your interest in the person, but overall you are merely saying, “I thought enough about you to pick up the phone.”
In the end, texting has to be a mutual understanding. I think if two individuals can agree that texting works for them but they will try to see each other more often than none, then it works. Let me say that JUST texting does not work. The relationship will eventually become trivial. You must talk on the phone. You must get that familiarity with your interest. Phone convos allows for more spontaneity and true responses. When you text, you can actually sit and think about what or how you want to respond. That can be fake, embellished, or even ignored. You want to catch and hear those little quirks that add to the uniqueness of your relationship. There are only so many “emoticons” you can add in a text to describe your emotion.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I'm In Love w/ 2 people...Is this Possible?
Okay, not quite. Actually the question was brought to my attention.
Can you be in love with more than one person at the same time? Can you love more than one person at the same time?...Mmmm. Well my first thought and answer is no. That's to the first question. Yes you can. That's to the second question. Might seem a bit selfish but let's dig deeper.Let’s play devil’s advocate. If we look at the definition of “Love” it’s a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, thus being “in love” or having "love" for someone would mean having a deep affection and passion for that person.
So my question is..."where does it say you can only feel this way with one person?"
Technically it doesn’t. I think everyone has different characteristics that make us who we are. This is why you might find yourself interested in more than one person at a time. People are constantly growing and changing because of their experiences. As you change you would hope to figure out what you like/love. You may be in a situation with someone and feel a strong connection, beyond words, you might call this love, but by chance you could just as easily develop a similar if not stronger vibe with someone else. What would you call that? Ha confusion? LOL..
Well, should we allow ourselves to be in love or love more than one person at a time? Remember the bible says the heart is deceitful. Should you even allow your feelings to develop for more than one person on that level at the same time? What is your definition of love? Seems like it varies by person.
A friend said, if you love more than one person, then you actually don’t love either one. I beg to differ. I can love more than one person for different reasons. Everyone is not the same. HOWEVER, I do not think you can be "in-love", to the level of wanting to be with a person for the rest of your life, with more than one person. Being "in-love" is intense. It's a deeper love and attraction for someone. When you are "in-love" nothing else matters. There is no second guessing. It is a type of attachment and a oneness with an individual. But love in general can span across all boundaries..then again I think it’s all subjective.
Can you be in love with more than one person at the same time? Can you love more than one person at the same time?...Mmmm. Well my first thought and answer is no. That's to the first question. Yes you can. That's to the second question. Might seem a bit selfish but let's dig deeper.Let’s play devil’s advocate. If we look at the definition of “Love” it’s a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, thus being “in love” or having "love" for someone would mean having a deep affection and passion for that person.
So my question is..."where does it say you can only feel this way with one person?"
Technically it doesn’t. I think everyone has different characteristics that make us who we are. This is why you might find yourself interested in more than one person at a time. People are constantly growing and changing because of their experiences. As you change you would hope to figure out what you like/love. You may be in a situation with someone and feel a strong connection, beyond words, you might call this love, but by chance you could just as easily develop a similar if not stronger vibe with someone else. What would you call that? Ha confusion? LOL..
Well, should we allow ourselves to be in love or love more than one person at a time? Remember the bible says the heart is deceitful. Should you even allow your feelings to develop for more than one person on that level at the same time? What is your definition of love? Seems like it varies by person.
A friend said, if you love more than one person, then you actually don’t love either one. I beg to differ. I can love more than one person for different reasons. Everyone is not the same. HOWEVER, I do not think you can be "in-love", to the level of wanting to be with a person for the rest of your life, with more than one person. Being "in-love" is intense. It's a deeper love and attraction for someone. When you are "in-love" nothing else matters. There is no second guessing. It is a type of attachment and a oneness with an individual. But love in general can span across all boundaries..then again I think it’s all subjective.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Mixing the Message and Avoiding Reality
Mixing the messages:
So I like this guy and I call him. We share similar interest. He and I send random text messages to see how each other are doing, the typical “Just saying hello” text . We make plans to go out, but sometimes things come up on both of our ends. We are really going with the flow. I ask for favors because it gives me another reason to see him, he quickly agrees to assist. When we do hang out, we talk about life, our dreams, politics, music, and random thoughts. It’s very chill. We can spend hours on the phone without getting bored. It’s similar in person. I assume there is a connection. I decide to express my feelings, putting everything out there, at least about potential and how I felt. I mean this “friendship” was spanning 6 months. His response, “I don’t feel you that way.” Wow…really!? How did I miss that…?
FAST FORWARD: Okay, so in this situation, I see the messages sent were missed on my end or were they? I took someone’s “random acts of kindness” as some sort of interest that was or could be more than friends. How could this have been handled differently? Perhaps he was just a “nice guy.” But he had to know. Here’s my thought, we are all smart individuals, if you know someone has interest in you and you don’t feel the same way, I think it’d be best to cease the time spent. Stop doing the “I’m going out of my way” favors. For example, if you came over to watch the football game, leave shortly thereafter. It doesn’t make sense to stay and watch a movie or order some food, if you don’t have interest. Sending the wrong messages can only complicate a situation and in the end, you could loose a potential good friend. I think we did.
Being in Denial by avoiding Reality:
Actually I was involved in a situation where a young man liked me; he even said he could love me. The “head scratcher” is that I never dated him and never gave him an idea of interest. We had a common interest, sports. We hung out in groups, no solo dates. I thought we were becoming good buddies. He expressed his thoughts and I respected them. I told him I just saw him as a good friend and that I wasn’t interested in anything further. To my surprise, he didn’t think I was serious. He was very persistent, even bothersome. Well I took the “avoid” approach. I didn’t talk about relationships, dating, or anything related to those topics when we talked. I kept it kosher. We talked about sports and anything else. After all we were friends, what could it hurt!?...
FAST FORWARD: I can say that he eventually professed his like/love on several other occasions after the fact. I had to stop talking to him. I had to now limit myself to coming out with my friends because I thought he’d try to “holla”. He was in denial. He couldn’t accept my reason. I guess it wasn’t good enough. In any case like this or if you feel you are in a similar situation. Follow the actions of the person you are pursing. I can’t stress enough that “Actions speak much louder…etc.” And if you are on the other end, be cautious of your actions. Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort level that you’ve created with that individual and switch it up. He finally said he realized that me being in his life on that level was NOT in the cards. He wished me the best in my pursuit of happiness.
To this day we don’t even talk. I write a text to see how he is and then I delete it because I don’t even want to mix any messages.
Give me your thoughts on how these could have been handled differently or how you have been in situations where things were not what they seemed!!!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Hey, are you single...give me the quick answer?
Why does this question, for most, come with an explanation like you stole something? Why do we have several sub-categories for this word, Single? Why can’t we give a straight forward answer? Let’s take a closer look. I have decided to visually show you how our generation chooses to use other words when in fact their status is Single. By the time I’m done giving my $0.08, you’d have a better understanding of how I would answer the main question. So what is the TRUE definition of being single?
Hey are you single? Well I'm....
Society
For my humor, let’s break some of these “statuses” down…The following are MY definitions of these words (short versions).
Kicking it – hanging out, not spending too much money. Usually the checks are separate. You haven’t told anyone about this person. If you were going out with this person and your boy/girl called, you’d change your plans. Nothing serious.
Dating /Talking – This is the time when one is getting to know people. During this process, you are finding out what you like. I think you can date and talk to as many folks as you see fit. I think you are considering your interest during this time.
Exclusively Talking/Dating – Let me say, this is a “status” that I heard in college. Apparently it means that you’ve found one person to hang out with. You actually tell a few folks about this person and don’t mind being seen in public.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend – This person takes rank over friends, in most cases. For some reason everything goes from “I” to “We”. Family knows of this person. A picture of the both of you is sitting on the table from one of those photo booths in the mall. You are “committed.”
GUESS WHAT?....You are still single……. If I’ve missed something…feel free to comment. I’d love to know more..
By the way…no charge:
Separated (Still Married) – To me this is the “What did I get myself into..I need some space to clear my thoughts…but I still wanna be married….wait…I think so…etc” status…I wouldn’t touch this person/situation with a 10 foot pole
Have you ever been out and guy/girl grabs your hand to see if you are wearing a wedding band, that means he or she is checking to see if you are single, no wedding band equates to fair game. Some might say, well that’s not fair, I have a man/woman that I am devoted to and I go to the club. My question would then be why are you at the club? LOL... that’s a different blog topic.
So let me ask you this, you say you dating or talking to someone. When you complete your taxes, do you check single? Or do you write in, “I’m currently dating?”... Let’s stop creating these various statuses. When you go out, and someone yells "where the single ladies" I'm sure those hands will be raised. At the end of the day, dating, talking, hanging out and even the boyfriend/girlfriend terms hold no true weight.
I’ve concluded we are all single until we are married. This is based on my understanding of the bible. We all will be married once God shows us, man and/or woman our complementary mate. Only then should we should say we are NOT single.
Hey are you single? Well I'm....
Society
- Talking to folks
- Dating
- Kicking it
- Exlcusively Talking/Dating
- Got a Girlfriend/Boyfriend
- Single
- Married
- Separated (still Married)
- Divorced
- Widow
Government:
- Single
- Married
- Divorced
- Widow
Here is my comical view of how society likes to define relationships, situations, and status. The first five reasons usually come with a laundry list. Now let’s look at how the good ole government classifies our status. Do you see the difference? It’s pretty straight and to the point. It seems like this is normal in Generation X and Y. If I asked my grandfather, what my status was, he’d say Single without hesitation. It’s because I’m NOT married. Webster defines single as being “unmarried.”
For my humor, let’s break some of these “statuses” down…The following are MY definitions of these words (short versions).
Kicking it – hanging out, not spending too much money. Usually the checks are separate. You haven’t told anyone about this person. If you were going out with this person and your boy/girl called, you’d change your plans. Nothing serious.
Dating /Talking – This is the time when one is getting to know people. During this process, you are finding out what you like. I think you can date and talk to as many folks as you see fit. I think you are considering your interest during this time.
Exclusively Talking/Dating – Let me say, this is a “status” that I heard in college. Apparently it means that you’ve found one person to hang out with. You actually tell a few folks about this person and don’t mind being seen in public.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend – This person takes rank over friends, in most cases. For some reason everything goes from “I” to “We”. Family knows of this person. A picture of the both of you is sitting on the table from one of those photo booths in the mall. You are “committed.”
GUESS WHAT?....You are still single……. If I’ve missed something…feel free to comment. I’d love to know more..
By the way…no charge:
Separated (Still Married) – To me this is the “What did I get myself into..I need some space to clear my thoughts…but I still wanna be married….wait…I think so…etc” status…I wouldn’t touch this person/situation with a 10 foot pole
Have you ever been out and guy/girl grabs your hand to see if you are wearing a wedding band, that means he or she is checking to see if you are single, no wedding band equates to fair game. Some might say, well that’s not fair, I have a man/woman that I am devoted to and I go to the club. My question would then be why are you at the club? LOL... that’s a different blog topic.
So let me ask you this, you say you dating or talking to someone. When you complete your taxes, do you check single? Or do you write in, “I’m currently dating?”... Let’s stop creating these various statuses. When you go out, and someone yells "where the single ladies" I'm sure those hands will be raised. At the end of the day, dating, talking, hanging out and even the boyfriend/girlfriend terms hold no true weight.
I’ve concluded we are all single until we are married. This is based on my understanding of the bible. We all will be married once God shows us, man and/or woman our complementary mate. Only then should we should say we are NOT single.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
The Salty Saga: Part 1. The Salty Sidekick…Are you the hater friend?
“Salty Saga”…what is this? Well this is a mini-series that will have several parts. Part 1, I will try to tackle the “salt like friend”...as it pertains to relationships.
Has this happened to you?
~~Random Conversation ~~
Me: Hey girl, I went to Lenox (mall in ATL) and guess who I ran into, our old college boy, Joe Jones
Salt: Word? Don’t he got a girlfriend?
Me: Well, I don’t know. I just hadn’t seen him in a while.
Salt: Well, I heard he had a girlfriend and has been with her forever.
Me: Oh, well that’s nice. I got some shoes. They are fierce. They will look cute with the dress imma where tonight to the party. You still going?
Salt: I don’t know, Jay is throwing that right? He hangs with them Iotas. They are dogs. They will break your heart.
Me: Um…Well, I was actually tryna see Steve. He owe me a drink from that last time we hung out. He’s crazy
Salt: Steve? Don’t he hang with Ronald? I think Ronald is married. He got some babies on the way.
Me: Well….girl this is my other line…Imma hit you later
That’s just one scenario…oh and I have experienced that…LOL.
When I talk about “salt” or “salty”, I’m referring to someone who comes across as bitter, scorned, don’t like it because you got it or don’t like it because everyone else has it. I think everyone has a friend or knows someone who has experienced the salty friend. What’s interesting is you don’t know they are salty until something doesn’t go right in their life.
Does this individual realize they are coming across so negatively? It seems like IF they even think you met someone or are the slight bit interested, they throw their salt. They got to let you know how they think and how that’s not a good look. Now every man is a dog, every guy that looks at you or her has an agenda. Don’t tell them about a wonderful night you had or a gift you received. You will be shut down by their need to let you know, it’s not all that. “I’d be careful” “Why he do that, how long ya’ll been together?” “Joe did that for me, he ain’t sh!t.” Okay that last one might be a bit extreme, but it has happened. The most popular is a friend who likes to bring up someone from your past that you clearly don’t talk about and ask questions, they already know the answer to.
The funniest situation a friend shared with me was the reaction she kept receiving when she didn’t answer the phone. Let’s just say she went to the restroom and missed the call. The salty sidekick, said “Oh you must have been with Daniel.” (an ex of yours…pure sarcasm…)… “When’s the last time you talked to him.” I about died when I heard that, especially since the girl knew what happened with that situation and it wasn’t good to say the least. Why do they do these things…our so called friends?
Who wants to be negative? Who wakes up and says, “Hey, since I feel like crap, I’m going to make you feel that way.” I think that individuals become bitter when they have been hurt very badly. I’m talking about, “I loved him and he slept with my sister” hurt. Instead of ironing out the situation, they have lost hope on anything that is good. Many times, the smallest thing will remind them of that fool who crushed their heart, and everyone, including their friends will feel the blunt end of it all. Do they still have feelings for this person? Do they even want to let go? Most of the times, your friend is seeking attention. She needs an ear. I must admit, I have looked the other way and sometimes haven’t invited folks out because I didn’t want to hear that all men were scum of the earth. I mean I’m just trying to get groceries and I must here that the cashier looks like your ex, who was a dog. If you feel you don’t get invited out much anymore, it might be that negative aura you carry.
As friends, we should support, listen, encourage etc. If you have a situation where you have a negative friend or perhaps you are the negative friend, do these 3 things. STOP, ASK, and LISTEN!!!..... Stop changing the subject and blowing off these comments. Stop being so dang negative. Ask your friend and yourself, what is wrong? How can this be fixed. Listen to your friend and listen to yourself, you are caring too much on your heart and mind. Let it go. Release.
Disclaimer: If your name is close to the names listed, you know someone by those names or you are an Iota, this is not directed toward you or them. I had to think of some names to use instead of the real ones.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Open Relationships: Are They Wrong?
Open Relationships...here's my $0.08…
I think "open relationships" are what we have decided to call people that are just playing the field. I don't agree with that definition. Individuals that are still getting to know themselves and getting to understand what they like can go out, flirt, and in some instances be intimate with who they like. One doesn't have to be a whore about it...but there is nothing wrong with it. In those cases, I’d call it dating. I’ll touch on that later.
Open relationships or "an Understanding" is when 2 people have agreed or it’s understood that although they care for one another, they choose to not be or just can’t be committed. Again, when they are together, they will do what couples do, but when they are not together, they will do whatever else. Are they bad or good? If the communication is not on point, there can be trouble. I talk about this because I ended up in an “open relationship.” This was not my initial intent but it happened. I met a guy and we hit it off. I found out that he had a girlfriend and I made the decision to continue to talk to him. We both shared how we felt, but we both knew that we weren’t committed. How could we be? He had a girlfriend and in my case I was still considered by the government, as single. It was an experience. When we were together, people thought we were together, officially. We were the perfect non-couple. Being me, I wanted more. Yeah I know, I knew what it was in the beginning, but it happened.
Open relationships are not healthy. Even if the communication is efficient, it’s natural that someone will start to want more. Like me.... It is not normal to put feelings and emotions on hold, either act on them or move on. I got some advice from folks. They said I was impatient. But I had to take a step back and look at those individuals and their situations. Needless to say, don’t take advice from folks that can’t even handle their own can of worms. But I digress, I am happy to say that I moved on. It just made sense. We all needed a boost of maturity. BUT this is not to say that Open relationships don’t work for others, but I think it works for individuals who are not looking for the real essence of love or a true commitment. I look at is as someone who doesn’t want the responsibility or accountability a committed relationship will require.
What do you think?
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