It Has Been A While

“I got a big EGO…mmmm Not so much!”

“I walk like this cuz I can back it up…” I’m sure we’ve heard this snippet from “Ego.” It’s a creative song but some folks are getting carried away. Mmmmm, Really?!?! There are men out here that feel like they are breaking down walls and backs. Have you ever been with someone who was claiming “victory” and you haven’t even started the race? I thought this was a team event. Just because your “zodiac characteristics” state “awesome lover,” don’t mean you do not put in work to retain that label. Some men have the package but do not know what to do with it…Good Partner… Bad Sex.

I’ve had conversations with men and women that have said, “Sex is just as important as love.” (I will leave that for my next blog) Masterbating can only take you so far. Even then, masterbating can create more problems. If a man masterbastes too much, he won’t be able to get it up or keep it up during times of intimacy unless he does something else to compensate for it. If a man masterbastes, he must know how to stay rock solid during the process. When I think of my partner, I want to feel a chill down my back. I want my mouth to water and I want those butterflies in my stomach because I mentally and physically know what’s about to go DOWN!
As we get older, we get to a point in our lives where we look for more than sex, we may come across a dilemma when he/she has it all, but lack in the sack. What do you do when you are very much in love with someone and they just don’t do it right for you in the bedroom? I’m no pro in the bedroom and I don’t claim to be, but there are a few things that I’m an expert in. I know my competence, but I’m willing to learn. Communicate what you like. Guide your partner and not like they are a little kid. Tell them where you like it. Tell them where you don’t (not during the process). NOT telling them is only hurting you and them. Patience is the key. If you do not communicate the following may happen:

1). They think you are pleased, so they continue to do what they were doing, most times more often and harder (go figure)

2). You become uninterested. When sex comes up, you are “tired” or are snoring before the sun goes down

3). You get angry. You feel like you are wasting your time and eventually you will “check out” of the situation.

These are only a few things. In the past, I’ve had “talks” with my partners. This is when I physically show, with my clothes on, what I like. I take my partner’s hand and show him what works and I describe how that makes me feel and vice versa. You should never assume that your techniques will work on every person. You shouldn’t assume your extensive track record or lack thereof makes you an expert. HELLO!!! Would you risk giving up on a good relationship because the sex is not the best? I did not talk to a guy because the sex was bad, but then again, I did not want to be with him…so it was more to it than that, but I digress. So what do you do? We are in the age of STD Central and let’s face it, most are not getting tested. Is it easy to cheat to get a quick fix or is it best to stick it out and help your partner perform what’s best for YOU?

Dial M for Murder........

This is not about the infamous Alfred Hitchcock black and white, although some have equated this topic to murder or a death sentence. I want to talk about the M word….Marriage. I going to try and lightly touch this topic because at some point I will pursue this type of relationship. This is for the individuals who think marriage is a wasted effort. It’s a step to no where, a hassle, or an inconvenience. Or who question why people still get married, I mean what’s the point.

I had a conversation with a male friend about a month ago. He argued that 1) he didn’t see the purpose in marriage in today’s society because the divorce rates prove that marriages do not work. He said 2) it is best to stay in a “committed” relationship with someone without the “marriage” label. He said as long as you love that person, it should not matter. As you can tell, this was a good conversation, depending on your position. Let’s dig in.

Where do I start with this? Why get married? Besides the tax benefits (just kidding)…getting married is the highest plateau of relationships. It is a blessing. Marriage is a true testament of commitment with someone you love because you are pledging to be with someone for the rest of your life. Love, sacrifice, compromise, commitment, these are a few things that go into this relationship. With just these few pieces of the puzzle, we should agree that marriage takes two to work. What is the purpose of marriage in “today’s society”? The purpose has not changed. It shouldn’t. You are making a life commitment with someone you love. Period. You should not care about how society thinks and how it has portrayed marriages. Society is fickle. Just a thought.

I am first to agree that, at my age, it is rare to see marriages last longer than 5 years compared to our grandparents, who are celebrating 25 – 50+ years together. I think that majority of Generation Y (people born 1980+) have a different view about marriage. To name a few, most are getting married because of an unexpected pregnancy, there are dependency issues or just because “I want the fairy tale wedding/ring.” Marriage is work (from what I hear) but I don’t think you have to be married to know it is hard work. Any relationship worth keeping is hard work, especially if you are talking about for a lifetime. So what happens when you realize that this is not what you wanted? Divorce of course. For most, that’s the easiest move to make. I think EXTREME cases should only warrant this option. So now that this option is as easy to make like paper or plastic, the divorce rate will go up. In the end, you are left with an even more skewed sense of what marriage is about.

“I’ve been committed for 6 years, but I do not want to get married.” What is that about? I think people who choose to be with someone for 5+ years and do not intend on getting married are scared or are just NOT truly ready to commit. This is a life long commitment. These people would rather “play house” but when times hit rock bottom, I believe they will be gone. Isn’t it easier to leave someone without going through all the legal woes that divorce can bring? Isn’t it quicker to pack bags and go stay with your family? If you are quick to make these decisions, then I don’t think you are ready for marriage. When in a marriage, these should not be options. I do think there are situations that are just not meant to be and in those cases, it’s best for the party to split, but I think you should weigh all options before going this route. There are many resources out there that are suppose to help you keep the relationship in tact when you think you’ve run out of options. Talk to your pastor, your parents or perhaps a marriage/relationship counselor can work. Don’t sell the relationship short. You should not give up.

What have we learned? Marriage is the truest testament of commitment with someone you love but it takes some work to maintain. It is not impossible. Once you’ve found a partner that is willing to stick it out and who loves you unconditionally, you will be in the best relationship. If you are not ready, just date..LOL.. The dress, the cake, the “status” will come soon enough. This way you will not be a statistic and you will be learning who you are and what you like, so when the time comes, you WILL be ready.

"OMG!!!...I luv u!..LOL..ttyl!": Text Messaging and Relationships

Text messaging has become the "call me" in relationships. Where just 3 years ago, you'd say "I'll call you when I get home," now it's, "just text me.” We text for everything. Conversation is a thing of the past. Now that most phones get at least 160 characters per text, once could hold a convo via the iPhone and never break a sweat. I'm here to talk about Texting in Relationships. What is the limit? Does this help or hurt a relationship? Are we that lazy? This blog is for the people that have used Texting as their main way to communicate and develop a relationship. Here is my $0.08.

I’m going to come out of the gate and answer the questions based on myself. There should be a limit to text messaging. It does not hurt the relationship unless that is the only form of communication. I am kind of lazy. Now.. let me say that I didn’t always text people. I was the person who said, “call me.” I loved to talk on the phone and was actually turned off by the “I’m not a phone person” response when I would wonder why I haven’t actually heard from someone. So now 2+ years, 3 phones (including 2 PDA/Smartphones) later, I’ve become the opposite. I must admit, texting has become the quickest and easiest way to get a point across and continue about my day. But today it’s become part of my everyday life, it’s a little bit out of control. I blame my PDA. …OKAY, so back to the main question….

How does this affect relationships!? It can have an indirect affect on your relationship. If you just met someone and you develop a relationship via text, what are you really learning about them? You can’t hear their voice or catch a true reaction to a comment. There is a lack of intimacy. Can you truly get a warm feeling about someone via text? Perhaps, but the text better be creative. What’s interesting is that the people I text the most, when we are in person…we have great conversations. Doesn’t that make up for the texting? Perhaps, but if the conversation is as strong in person, it should be equally as strong on the phone.

I think when people hear about “calling” someone, they might think they will be on the phone for hours. This may not be the case. I don’t think you have to be on the phone with someone for days to show the depth of the relationship or even to get to know someone. In the end, it’s the quality of the conversation over the number of minutes you talk. So as it relates to relationships, when should you just pick up the phone? I say once every 5 – 8 days. If you are a habitual texter (like me)…this works but only if you see this person often enough, 20 min convos will not be hard to do. Days will also vary depending on distance and your interest in the person, but overall you are merely saying, “I thought enough about you to pick up the phone.”

In the end, texting has to be a mutual understanding. I think if two individuals can agree that texting works for them but they will try to see each other more often than none, then it works. Let me say that JUST texting does not work. The relationship will eventually become trivial. You must talk on the phone. You must get that familiarity with your interest. Phone convos allows for more spontaneity and true responses. When you text, you can actually sit and think about what or how you want to respond. That can be fake, embellished, or even ignored. You want to catch and hear those little quirks that add to the uniqueness of your relationship. There are only so many “emoticons” you can add in a text to describe your emotion.

I'm In Love w/ 2 people...Is this Possible?

Okay, not quite. Actually the question was brought to my attention.


Can you be in love with more than one person at the same time? Can you love more than one person at the same time?...Mmmm. Well my first thought and answer is no. That's to the first question. Yes you can. That's to the second question. Might seem a bit selfish but let's dig deeper.Let’s play devil’s advocate. If we look at the definition of “Love” it’s a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, thus being “in love” or having "love" for someone would mean having a deep affection and passion for that person.

So my question is..."where does it say you can only feel this way with one person?"

Technically it doesn’t. I think everyone has different characteristics that make us who we are. This is why you might find yourself interested in more than one person at a time. People are constantly growing and changing because of their experiences. As you change you would hope to figure out what you like/love. You may be in a situation with someone and feel a strong connection, beyond words, you might call this love, but by chance you could just as easily develop a similar if not stronger vibe with someone else. What would you call that? Ha confusion? LOL..

Well, should we allow ourselves to be in love or love more than one person at a time? Remember the bible says the heart is deceitful. Should you even allow your feelings to develop for more than one person on that level at the same time? What is your definition of love? Seems like it varies by person.

A friend said, if you love more than one person, then you actually don’t love either one. I beg to differ. I can love more than one person for different reasons. Everyone is not the same. HOWEVER, I do not think you can be "in-love", to the level of wanting to be with a person for the rest of your life, with more than one person. Being "in-love" is intense. It's a deeper love and attraction for someone. When you are "in-love" nothing else matters. There is no second guessing. It is a type of attachment and a oneness with an individual. But love in general can span across all boundaries..then again I think it’s all subjective.

Mixing the Message and Avoiding Reality

If I come across as misunderstood or delusional, understand that I’ve been on both ends of this stick. I’m going to give my opinion ($0.08) about sending mixed messages and being in denial by avoiding reality. My apologies in advance if it’s too long.

Mixing the messages:

So I like this guy and I call him. We share similar interest. He and I send random text messages to see how each other are doing, the typical “Just saying hello” text . We make plans to go out, but sometimes things come up on both of our ends. We are really going with the flow. I ask for favors because it gives me another reason to see him, he quickly agrees to assist. When we do hang out, we talk about life, our dreams, politics, music, and random thoughts. It’s very chill. We can spend hours on the phone without getting bored. It’s similar in person. I assume there is a connection. I decide to express my feelings, putting everything out there, at least about potential and how I felt. I mean this “friendship” was spanning 6 months. His response, “I don’t feel you that way.” Wow…really!? How did I miss that…?

FAST FORWARD: Okay, so in this situation, I see the messages sent were missed on my end or were they? I took someone’s “random acts of kindness” as some sort of interest that was or could be more than friends. How could this have been handled differently? Perhaps he was just a “nice guy.” But he had to know. Here’s my thought, we are all smart individuals, if you know someone has interest in you and you don’t feel the same way, I think it’d be best to cease the time spent. Stop doing the “I’m going out of my way” favors. For example, if you came over to watch the football game, leave shortly thereafter. It doesn’t make sense to stay and watch a movie or order some food, if you don’t have interest. Sending the wrong messages can only complicate a situation and in the end, you could loose a potential good friend. I think we did.

Being in Denial by avoiding Reality:

Actually I was involved in a situation where a young man liked me; he even said he could love me. The “head scratcher” is that I never dated him and never gave him an idea of interest. We had a common interest, sports. We hung out in groups, no solo dates. I thought we were becoming good buddies. He expressed his thoughts and I respected them. I told him I just saw him as a good friend and that I wasn’t interested in anything further. To my surprise, he didn’t think I was serious. He was very persistent, even bothersome. Well I took the “avoid” approach. I didn’t talk about relationships, dating, or anything related to those topics when we talked. I kept it kosher. We talked about sports and anything else. After all we were friends, what could it hurt!?...

FAST FORWARD: I can say that he eventually professed his like/love on several other occasions after the fact. I had to stop talking to him. I had to now limit myself to coming out with my friends because I thought he’d try to “holla”. He was in denial. He couldn’t accept my reason. I guess it wasn’t good enough. In any case like this or if you feel you are in a similar situation. Follow the actions of the person you are pursing. I can’t stress enough that “Actions speak much louder…etc.” And if you are on the other end, be cautious of your actions. Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort level that you’ve created with that individual and switch it up. He finally said he realized that me being in his life on that level was NOT in the cards. He wished me the best in my pursuit of happiness.

To this day we don’t even talk. I write a text to see how he is and then I delete it because I don’t even want to mix any messages.

Give me your thoughts on how these could have been handled differently or how you have been in situations where things were not what they seemed!!!

Hey, are you single...give me the quick answer?

Why does this question, for most, come with an explanation like you stole something? Why do we have several sub-categories for this word, Single? Why can’t we give a straight forward answer? Let’s take a closer look. I have decided to visually show you how our generation chooses to use other words when in fact their status is Single. By the time I’m done giving my $0.08, you’d have a better understanding of how I would answer the main question. So what is the TRUE definition of being single?

Hey are you single? Well I'm....

Society

• Talking to folks
• Dating
• Kicking it
• Exlcusively Talking/Dating
• Got a Girlfriend/Boyfriend
• Single
• Married
• Separated (still Married)
• Divorced
• Widow

Government:

• Single
• Married
• Divorced
• Widow

Here is my comical view of how society likes to define relationships, situations, and status. The first five reasons usually come with a laundry list. Now let’s look at how the good ole government classifies our status. Do you see the difference? It’s pretty straight and to the point. It seems like this is normal in Generation X and Y. If I asked my grandfather, what my status was, he’d say Single without hesitation. It’s because I’m NOT married. Webster defines single as being “unmarried.”

For my humor, let’s break some of these “statuses” down…The following are MY definitions of these words (short versions).

Kicking it – hanging out, not spending too much money. Usually the checks are separate. You haven’t told anyone about this person. If you were going out with this person and your boy/girl called, you’d change your plans. Nothing serious.

Dating /Talking – This is the time when one is getting to know people. During this process, you are finding out what you like. I think you can date and talk to as many folks as you see fit. I think you are considering your interest during this time.

Exclusively Talking/Dating – Let me say, this is a “status” that I heard in college. Apparently it means that you’ve found one person to hang out with. You actually tell a few folks about this person and don’t mind being seen in public.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend – This person takes rank over friends, in most cases. For some reason everything goes from “I” to “We”. Family knows of this person. A picture of the both of you is sitting on the table from one of those photo booths in the mall. You are “committed.”

GUESS WHAT?....You are still single……. If I’ve missed something…feel free to comment. I’d love to know more..

By the way…no charge:
Separated (Still Married) – To me this is the “What did I get myself into..I need some space to clear my thoughts…but I still wanna be married….wait…I think so…etc” status…I wouldn’t touch this person/situation with a 10 foot pole

Have you ever been out and guy/girl grabs your hand to see if you are wearing a wedding band, that means he or she is checking to see if you are single, no wedding band equates to fair game. Some might say, well that’s not fair, I have a man/woman that I am devoted to and I go to the club. My question would then be why are you at the club? LOL... that’s a different blog topic.

So let me ask you this, you say you dating or talking to someone. When you complete your taxes, do you check single? Or do you write in, “I’m currently dating?”... Let’s stop creating these various statuses. When you go out, and someone yells "where the single ladies" I'm sure those hands will be raised. At the end of the day, dating, talking, hanging out and even the boyfriend/girlfriend terms hold no true weight.

I’ve concluded we are all single until we are married. This is based on my understanding of the bible. We all will be married once God shows us, man and/or woman our complementary mate. Only then should we should say we are NOT single.